The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: What You Need to Avoid to Save Your Marriage

Did you know there are 4 major behaviors to avoid to create a successful relationship? Drs. Jonathan and Julie Gottman call them The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. The Gottmans studied couples for over 25 years and recorded how couples interacted with each other and based on their findings can predict with 92% accuracy which couples are going to stay happily married and which are likely to divorce. That's pretty remarkable!

Here are the 4 Horsemen to avoid and their antidotes:

1. Criticism: Very simply, you and your partner want to avoid being highly critical of each other. Couples that focus on what is wrong with their partner vs what they appreciate tend to be unhappy in their relationships. Additionally, they cause their partner to feel unvalued and under appreciated. 

The Antidoted to Criticism: Instead of being sharp with criticism, practice giving gentle feedback, or as the Gottman's call it "Gentle Startup." This entails using "I" statements to share thoughts, feelings and needs vs "You" which can sound more critical. 

2. Defensiveness: Couples want to avoid getting defensive when their partner gives them feedback. When you get defensive you invalidate your partner's feelings. You also put yourself on opposites side of the issue versus working together and being on the same team to address the issue together. 

The Antidoted to Defensiveness: Take responsibility or partial responsibility. Couples that can admit to making a mistake, or missing the mark, avoid getting into "he said she said" arguments that can escalate pretty quickly. Know that your Ego will not want you to take responsibility, but when you don't listen to your Ego and accept your part it actually feels freeing and lighter. 

3. Contempt: When you have resentments built up over time, you create contempt for your partner, or in other words, you can only see the negative in them. Resentments that build up over time is analogous to cholesterol building up in your arteries. If you don't cleanse/release the resentment you create a block to your heart, aka contempt. 

The Antidoted to Contempt: Build a culture of appreciation. Believe it or not, our brains are prewired to focus on the negative. This was probably designed to keep us safe as a survival modality. But in relationships, we need to be aware of focusing too much on the negative traits or habits of our partner. Instead we need to actively focus on what we appreciate about our partner. Not only is it important to think positively about our partner but it is important to share our fondness and admiration with them. By doing this you help create a culture of appreciation vs contempt.

4. Stonewalling: Stonewalling is when we withdraw, shutdown, emotionally and physically distance ourselves from our partner, aka being a "stonewall." Stonewalling may feel like we are putting up a wall between ourselves and our partner to protect ourselves from being hurt. Over time, this wall completely blocks us from connecting to our partner and working through hard issues.

The Antidotes to Stonewalling: Physiologically Self Soothe. When you are upset, instead of withdrawing, or giving your partner the silent treatment, try instead to take deep breaths, go for a walk in nature, listen to calming music so that you can regulate your nervous system and come back to the difficult conversation. It's okay to take space when you need it, but use that space to regulate your body so that you can return to your partner and reconnect with them.

If you have more questions about the 4 Horsemen and or notice them rearing themselves in your relationship, reach out to book a free consultation with one of our therapists.